The way I look.
My back so bare feathery wings spread out.
My body is broken as I stand at the edge of Fallen men mountain.
As it rains, the simple clear drop falls upon me.
My hair so black that it looked like sparkles.
Eyes so blue that it looked as if I had a tear to shed.
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
I think you could make this a lot stronger if you make it longer. We can't get much from your poem (and yes, someone needs to move it, hehe) because it is so short. I love where you are going though. Just by reading this I can tell that you have a great imagination. It looks like corrections have been done already. You explained what you did have very well.
Keep writing!
~Mateeah
It's pretty.
Fand!!) but it certainly could be tossed out because it doesn't even have anything to be changed into a poem.
But I don't think it has anything beyond that. And yes, Poetry... someone should move it.
I have to say, it's bland. What are you giving us? Your descriptions are pretty but not much else. We can't imagine you, other than in a cliched way. Your ideas are abstract, and nonsensical. "The way I look." is not a whole sentence. Periods don't go at the end of the line just because it is the end of a line, you actually have to pay attention to the flow and rhythm of a poem.
It tells us no story, we know nothing about you or the feelings or whats happening or why, what am I to take away from this?
I am not saying this is bad... only because I am one of the "nice" crusaders (
Do you read poetry? I used to be horrible at poetry, but now that I actually read poetry and try to learn what makes a poem beautiful, I write better. You should try it sometime.
I don't quite understand the mountain part of this poem. If it's the name of the mountain, shouldn't it be Fallen Men Mountain? Or maybe it's not the name... again, v. confused by this. But other than that, your imagery is pretty.
But, yeah, it should be in the poetry section, I think.
Nice work, even though it should be in a poetry forum.
Just a couple of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes:
The way I look.
My back so bare feathery wings [s]spreed[/s] spread out.
My body is broken as I stand at the edge of Fallen men mountain.
As it rains [comma] the simple clear drop falls upon me.
My hair so black that it looked like sparkles.[s] on my hair.[/s]
Eyes so blue that it looks as if I had a tear to shed.
Hope it helps!
RR*
Just a question: shouldn't this be in one of the poetry forums? It certainly doesn't have enough substance to qualify as a stand-alone prose piece...